Trump's Secret Addiction has made Him Part of the Mob
Trump does not smoke, nor does he drink. He seems a man free of vice. Well, except for flaunting his wealth, boasting, lying, infidelity, cheating, bullying, whining, and the desire to sleep with his daughter. But, apparently no addictions. That is until now.
Donald J. Trump is a shopaholic.
Apparently, decades of a lifestyle defined by expensive and high-quality purchases has drawn Trump to the forbidden fruit of the cheap, tacky, and tawdry. During his marriage troubles with Ivana, he secretly purchased $125 million dollars of beer hats. Then as financial troubles hit first in 1991, Trump reacted by buying $50 million dollars worth of backscratchers. This, of course, exasperated his money troubles, led to more bankruptcies, and his family had to step in.
In order to hide their shame, they had to secretly get rid of this stuff. Before they had been able to hide his illicit purchases in the cement foundations of construction sites, but the failures in their real estate business had closed that option. They had to get more creative. First, they pulped the backscratchers into paper, which became The Art of the Deal books, and re-purposed the plastic of the beer hats into pieces for the Trump the Game.
However, just as the Trump family was getting out of their financial troubles, Donald bought $350 million dollars worth of novelty ties and $175 million dollars worth of Old Spice. At that point, they considered going public about their father’s problem, but he had just gotten the contract for The Apprentice. They desperately needed the income and could not risk what the bad publicity might do.
Then Ivanka found a factory in China that could secretly bleach the ties and re-die them. They could then sell the ties as high fashion using their father’s recent rise in fame. In the same way, they were able to re-bottle the Old Spice as Trump Vodka. (Reportedly, Ivanka is still thankful no one actually drank that stuff).
That’s when they discovered that if they put Trump’s name on anything they could sell it. Even if they didn’t make money, they could turn his wasteful expenditures into tax deductions. “I’m with Stupid” t-shirts and sweat shirts were changed to “Trump University” clothing. The 10,000 cases of MD 20/20 became “Trump Wine”. And his warehouse of taxidermy became “Trump Steaks”. (Again, Ivanka is thankful no one ate those). As I demonstrated in Trump Is Broke, as long as they could continue to present Donald Trump as rich, successful, and in his own way classy, they would be able to keep the family solvent. However, this creates a perpetual dilemma. If his shopping addiction is ever discovered, the Trump name becomes tarnished, and the family is ruined.
The Trump family was now, more than before, a prisoner of their father’s addiction, forcing them to constantly cover for his escapades. For example, when Donald Trump snuck off to Hawaii to buy $15 million dollars worth of Hawaiian shirts, they covered by claiming he went to find Obama’s birth certificate. (Then, of course, they turned those into Trump dress shirts).
Then in a single night, Trump found a way to make his biggest purchase yet: $613 million dollars of bobble heads, garden gnomes, velvet Elvis paintings, Star Trek commemorative plates, Justin Bieber lunch boxes, plastic flamingo lawn ornaments, and anything with Scott Baio’s face on it. It was all too much.
So, they did what people do when out of money, keeping a shameful secret, and desperate enough to seek any option. They contacted the Mob. (They ran a construction company in New York during the 70s. Of course, they know people in the Mob).
Donald Trump had a long time mobster friend, Goldy Digits, who shared his sensitively about having small hands and an obsession with decorating everything with gold. Goldy, of course, knew how to get rid of something you did not want to be found. He gave instructions to create land fills and cover them with grass. And so, was created the first Trump golf course. The pink flamingos did prove a problem because they would poke out of the grass, but fortunately, the velvet Elvis paintings have proved a sturdy tarp. Until now, none have been made the wiser, though there have been rumors of garden gnomes being found on the greens.
Of course, the Trump family had to do their part. The Trump Foundation became a way to launder Mob money, and they had to purchase the Miss Universe Pageant to use for an international smuggling ring.
All was going well, until Trump mysteriously obtained $267 million dollars of hand-clapping baseball caps, “I don’t do mornings” coffee cups, and rubber chickens. Trying to figure out how to get rid of theses, they suddenly realized the one time you can give away tacky items in a prestigious way: a presidential campaign.
Baseball caps were converted to “Make America Great Again” caps, and they were off. Still short on funds, they used Trump's celebrity to avoid needing a lot of money up front until Goldy could embezzle from campaign donations. Goldy also thought he could shake down other politicians threatening to keep Donald in the race if they didn’t pay up. Unfortunately, no politicians buckled finding the threat of Trump getting the nomination ridiculous.
Then he won the nomination.
They were not worried about getting discovered through the Republican Convention. After all, Scott Baio and many of the other guests will play ball owing their entire fortune to Trump’s shopping addiction but afterward was another story. What would happen if Trump had to show his tax returns? Worse, what if he actually became president.
For now Goldy has been in able to keep Trump behaving with the threat that what happened to JFK could happen to him. (Of course, the Mob had nothing to do with the JFK assassination, but since Trump believes any conspiracy theory, Goldy’s ploy worked.) However, all know they’ll be able to control Trump for four years. In the meantime, Trump Jr. has stepped up making outrageous claims to keep his father from becoming president. (Skittles was actually Melania’s idea).
They did have the forethought, however, to promise the Wall, which is really intended to keep Trump from buying cheap souvenirs from Mexico. However, none are unaware of the danger they are in.
And, they still have not figured out what to do with the rubber chickens.
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